Category Archives: Life Skills

Treating Humans in a Human Way

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A way we can connect with other people is simply to speak to them. Whether friend or stranger, offering a pleasant greeting can make a difference in the attitudes fo both of you for the day.

I walk the streets of my city early in the morning. Few others are out walking or jogging at 5:00 a.m., and they are usually the same people day after day. I speak to everyone I meet—even in darkness.

One person, however, never returns the greeting, and she has been jogging almost daily for over a year. Her ignoring my greeting is somewhat disconcerting, and I see this as a challenge. Some days I change the tone of the greeting simply to see if that might make a difference. On days when it is daylight, I smile and use what I consider a pleasant tone of voice. Nothing has worked. Few things are more insulting than being ignored when you speak to someone. Common courtesy is not always common.

When I walk down a sidewalk and get a pleasant “hello” and a smile in return to my greeting, I have a little more of a spring in my step. Adrian Mitchell says it well: “I want to speak, to sing to total strangers. It’s my way of talking to the world.”

In Cincinnati, several homeless people hold brown cardboard signs asking for money. I’ve never been comfortable with ignoring them, and yet I also wonder if they really are incapable of earning a living and getting on in life. A few years ago I made a decision: I would give each one a dollar. More recently, I decided I would speak, ask their names, shake hands, and wish them well. I’m not sure this has helped them, but this action has certainly enhanced my day.

The responses I receive are varied. Most have a startled look because they are used to being ignored. Ty was a diabetic and needed money for food to avoid getting sick. Jesse wanted to know where I lived. Jake wanted to know my name and had me repeat it. Most smile as I leave.

Whether you greet people in your neighborhood or speak to strangers down on their luck, you will not regret treating humans with grace and respect. As Francis Bacon wrote, “If a man be gracious and courteous to strangers, it shows he is a citizen of the world.”

Oops! Did I Really Say That?

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A few days ago, the media played and replayed a private moment that was not so private. A “hot” microphone caught this statement by President Obama to Russian President Dmitri Medvedev: “This is my last election,” the President said. “After my election, I have more flexibility,” in reference to a missile deal.

We have all had an “oops” in our communication with others. You may have, as my wife did, asked a woman, “When is your baby due?” when the woman was not pregnant.

I remember at a little league baseball game saying to a white-haired man about a little boy he had brought to the game, “Is he your grandson?”

“No,” he said, “he is my son.”

Countless times I have mispronounced students’ names even after they have told me more than once the correct pronunciation. As I give these examples, you may be developing your own list of “oops.”

So what can we do to avoid the “oops” in our communication time? First, think through what you are going to say before you speak. This line from a fortune cookie is good advice: “From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.” All of us have spoken when we should have been quiet one sentence longer.

Don’t talk unless you have something to add to the conversation. Listening will allow you time to think and assimilate information so when you do speak your words will have more impact. A common sense reason to listen more is that you will have less opportunity to say something you will regret. The more you talk, the greater the chances are that you will deliver an “oops.”

Anticipate “oops” opportunities. For example, if the President had checked the microphone himself, he would have avoided his faux pas. Develop your own personal checklist. If you are delivering a speech, check yourself in the mirror just prior to speaking the make sure all clothing is in place and personal grooming is as you wish it. Don’t make it difficult for the audience to pay attention to your words because your mascara is smudged, or your tie is crooked, or there is a crumb at the corner of your mouth.

Check the pronunciation of the name of the organization, CEO, person being honored, or any other proper noun you will use in your speech.

Before going into a meeting, go over the agenda or talk to someone who may be more connected to the meeting content; review what will be covered. Find out who will be present and consider topics to be discussed that might offend or make people unnecessarily defensive. Ponder the best way to speak your views and offend as few as possible.

Other Presidents have had their own gaffes involving the Russians. During a microphone check for a radio address on public schools in 1984, President Ronald Reagan decided to have a little fun. “My fellow Americans,” he said, “I’m pleased to tell you today that I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.” The audio got out to the media and, since it was near the end of the Cold War, his Soviet counterparts were not amused.

So even as we anticipate opportunities to avoid our own “oops” moments, we can still be entertained by those of others. What can you share here about your own “oops” experiences? Do you know another Presidential example?

Let’s Stand and Meet

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According to a recent article in the Wall Street Journal, stand-up meetings are becoming common in some companies.  In one company, Atomic Object, employees follow these rules, "Attendance is mandatory, nonwork chitchat is kept to a minimum, and, above all, everyone has to stand up." 

            This trend says much about why we don't like to go to meetings.  They are too long; they often involve irrelevant information, they are boring.  Atomic Objects is a soft-ware development firm where their meetings last five minutes each morning.  We may think standing for a meeting is a little extreme, but the idea of speeding things along in meetings is positive.  Here are some tips in addition to standing up for a successful meeting. 

            Send out an agenda 24 hours before the meeting so everyone has a chance to prepare.  Take turns conducting meetings when they are held at a regular time each week.  This helps everyone have a vested interest in the meeting because each person knows his or her turn is coming soon. 

            Start by announcing the length of the meeting and remind the group toward the middle of the meeting how much time is left.  End the meeting by summarizing and then giving relevant information about the next meeting. 

            Start on time even if all members are not present.  Limit discussion time.  Encourage quiet people to participate by asking them a direct open question. 

            We are used to the refrain, "Let's stand and sing."  Maybe to improve morale and get work done more efficiently in meetings, we may want to say, "Let's stand and meet." 

Find It in an Obituary!

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Great sources for new material in your next presentation can come from unusual places-such as obituaries!

I’ve always sought to find in nonfiction books original or creative stories or information that I might adapt to a particular speech, but my wife introduced me to the obituary as an additional source. She shared with me an unusual obituary she found in our local newspaper. The account was short, regarding the life of an 89-year-old lady from Covington, Kentucky. The statement that took my breath away was this: “Survived by many, remembered by few.” 

One can’t help but speculate on how this sad commentary came to be included in the obit. Perhaps the woman had requested the line before she died. Or maybe one of the few who did remember wanted to remind those who knew her that they had pretty much ignored her in life. Whatever the source, this piece of nonfiction could be applied to several components of human relations, including the importance of giving attention to our senior relatives and friends.

Audience members are attracted to material they have not heard before, and this is tough considering the ease of finding information on the Internet. To keep your material fresh, seek out unusual sources for material besides the usual sources such as biographies. Think of what intrigues you and might interest others.

Strolling through a cemetery has given me ideas for illustrations, including epitaphs on tombstones or drawings, such as a page from a hymnal, carved into the stone. Recently we found Bud Light Cans on each side of a gravestone.  One can only speculate on the significance of those.

Guides on tours of significant landmarks provide captivating lectures to share. As we passed through a small town in Alaska, the guide informed us that law enforcement agents used to check out the town occasionally because the place was so removed from civilization. When satellite television reception arrived there, several arrests were made in response to “America’s Most Wanted.”

Pick up a brochure when you visit a landmark. I learned much about Kentucky Bourbon from brochures while touring the Bourbon Trail in central Kentucky. When chatting with older people, ask what their childhood was like.

Seek information about a topic when you meet an expert on a given subject.  I learned much about coffee beans in talking to a key executive in charge of purchasing coffee for a large manufacturing company. Keep a pen and paper close by when you are watching a movie. Dialogue from the movie sometimes has great quotations you can use in a speech. For example, in the 1992 movie, A League of Their Own, Tom Hanks, as manager of the team says, “It’s supposed to be hard. If it weren’t hard, everyone would do it. It’s the hard that makes it great.”  I’ve used this quote for years.    

Another classic quotation I still use was from a homeless man I met in the Bowery of New York City. I told him where I was from and that we were sightseeing.  His response: “Ten years ago I came to see the sights, and now I am one of the sights.” 

Don’t limit your sources for thought-provoking information for your next presentation. You may find a memorable line in a simple conversation—or in an obituary.

 

Conversation Time!

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Erin Moriarty of 48 Hours said, “With cell phones, iPhones, Blackberries and computers, Americans today have no trouble making connections…it’s making conversation that seems to be a problem.” Good conversation is a diminishing social skill. Because it is the holiday season when people get together at parties or family gatherings, a look at the keys to good conversation is important.

A key to good conversation is listening. People tend to talk at each other instead of taking turns talking and listening. You will make the talker like you and respect you not by what you say so much as how well they think you are listening. People love to talk and when someone has a story to tell, you can’t wait to tell your own story. Sometimes the only reason you listen is because you know you get to talk next.

Spend more time listening than you do talking. Add a competitive element to your listening. Summarize in your own mind what the other person’s point is. If it is a familiar topic, listen closely to learn something new. Think of a question you might ask even if you don’t get to ask it. These simple mental exercises will keep you listening instead of interrupting the talker or thinking of what you want to say when he or she stops talking. Voltaire said, “When you listen, you have power; when you talk you give it away.”

To improve your conversation skills, learn to ask questions. A good question will keep you engaged with the topic. As someone said, “The person who talks a lot dominates a conversation, but the person who asks questions controls the conversation.” Don’t ask too many questions; you will seem like an interrogator. Ask more open questions than closed questions. Good open questions might start with “What do you think,…” or “How do you feel about…” or “What is your opinion…”

Finally when you do talk, keep your comments short and concise. A little boy asked his mother a question. The mother said, “Why don’t you ask your dad?” His response was, “I don’t want to know that much about it.” Some people can’t give a “yes” or “no” answer to a closed question. They feel like they have to elaborate or give an example.

As Moriarty concludes her discussion of conversation, she writes: “Talk may be cheap, but good conversation is priceless.”

How You Say It Makes a Difference

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Mark Twain was known for his regular use of profanity. His wife got tired of this and decided to show him how distasteful this language was by using profanity in his presence. Twain listened to this for a while. His response to his wife was, “You’ve got the words, but not the music.” 

         That line represents well what I want to say:  it is not just the message you present, but also how you look and sound as you say it. J. Robert Parkinson wrote regarding delivery in acting and speaking, “Content alone is not sufficient. If the text were all that was necessary for a great performance, everyone could be an accomplished Shakespearean actor because everyone has access to the same words.” What makes the difference is the way the words are said.

            We can tell so much with the voice. When my children were small, I would call them for dinner. Just by the way I said their names they knew if they should have come to dinner ten minutes earlier or whether they had another ten minutes to play.

            What can you do to avoid the monotone voice and show that you really care about your topic?  One way is to choose materials for your next presentation that you are truly excited about. If you genuinely believe an idea is important, this will show in your voice.

            Punch out any statistic or proper noun. This will add emotion to your voice and emphasize the importance of the statistic or name. Pause before a key word or idea, as this will usually give you more force with your next words.

            Stay away from your speaking notes as much as possible. This will help you avoid reading directly from your notes and give more spontaneity to your voice.

            Don’t make it easy for the audience member to drift off mentally by droning on in your presentation. If an audience member is going to nod off for a nap as you are speaking, be sure to make them work for it!

Nothing is More Unique!

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Over the past 40 years I have listened to literally thousands of college students’ presentations and hundreds of business people’s presentations. Although not a grammarian, I hear repeatedly in those speeches a glaring error—the misuse of unique. No one seems immune to this error, yet it is such a simple one to correct! Unique means “one of a kind.” Thus there cannot be “most unique” or “more unique.” If you use the word unique, there can only be one in existence. Each of us is unique. No one in the world is exactly like you or me. Yet I hear people say, “He is one of the most unique people I know.” Simply say, “He is unique.”

This word is usually in any list of misused words. Yet many who otherwise use the language well fail by saying, “The dessert was very unique.” The tiramisu was either unique or it wasn’t. The word unique stands alone.

This blog may be similar to other blogs, but mine is unique.

Never Stop Dancing

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An article in The New Yorker featured the career of Dick Van Dyke, who at almost 85 years old was singing and dancing in A Musical Memoir. One of the themes throughout the article was his high energy level. In fact, on Thanksgiving Day of last year he appeared at a mission on Skid Row, entertaining the residents while they ate. His comment, “I sing and dance. That’s what I do.”
I think that philosophy is critical whether becoming a better speaker or getting the most out of our lives. Never Stop Dancing is even the title of an excellent book by Gordon Livingston. I completed my career as a professor a couple of months ago and in advance I asked a colleague if she would dance out of the classroom with me at the end of my last class. She agreed.
As scheduled, she showed up and we danced down the hallway. What I did not know was that word had gotten out and about 150 students lined the hallway to watch the event. Our secretary filmed with her flip camera and you can watch us dance at Steve Boyd Fare Well Dance.
I’ve been taking dancing lessons for 17 years and I don’t intend to stop dancing. I’ve been teaching and speaking for several decades and I plan to continue speaking as often as I can and experiencing as many new things as I can.
This philosophy should guide our daily lives. For example, as a speaker I want to continue to improve. I believe my best speech is my next one. Each presentation I deliver gives me more experience. I urge all speakers always to seek to improve. Never stop dancing.
You can always make improvement if you keep working at developing your skills. This is true whether you are learning a new technology or simply working on your golf game.
Remember the life philosophy of Dick Van Dyke: “Never stop dancing.”