Monthly Archives: April 2014

We Talk Too Much

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A simple reason for not communicating well? We talk too much.

Some might remember the lyrics to the song by Joe Jones, “You Talk Too Much,” popular back in 1960. “You talk too much, You worry me to death. You talk too much. You even worry my pet. You just talk too much.”

We joke about this tendency. Someone said “The only reason we listen is we know we get to talk next.” We smile but there is truth here as well.

The problem is that we humans are geared to talking, not listening. We like to talk about ourselves. When someone tells us a story or a problem, we instantly think of a similar experience or problem, and we can’t resist sharing it. Some people are masterful at redirecting the conversation to themselves.

I remember coming home from a month of mission work in the Fiji Islands, thinking this would really be interesting to tell people about. I found, however, that before I could tell my story, the other person would interrupt with his report on his five-day Caribbean Cruise or her trip to Seattle. Which are more important, right? But from their points of view, my introducing my story gave them permission to tell theirs.

If you want evidence of this challenge we humans face, keep a mental journal of how often this happens in a day. Or try it yourself. Can you resist bringing the conversation back to a similar situation you experienced? Must you share the great detail that’s so clear in your mind? We cannot resist without exerting great self-discipline.

I fear that I am guilty of this in my own conversations; I am acutely aware of this human tendency since I talk about it in my listening seminars.

If you want to increase your own credibility and build rapport with a customer, client, or family member, practice these techniques to avoid the verbal “one-upmanship” that this communication issue elicits.

Do not interrupt. Some cannot resist telling his or her own story in the middle of the narrative someone is sharing. Let the talker finish.

Pause when the talker finishes. He or she may want to add a detail, and when you pause the other person feels you really care about the situation. (You may not, but you can at least give the impression that you do.)

Ask questions. Instead of telling your own story in response, ask for more information. Try such leading questions as “What did he say next?” Or “Who else was involved?” Or “What time of day was it?” Or perhaps you can simply respond, “That has to be frustrating.” In the words of Naquib Mahfouz, “You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions.”

Resist the temptation to tell your own story. Make the conversation about the talker. Simply listen as long as you can. My wife says she keeps repeating to herself, They don’t care about my story. They don’t care about my story. In some rare cases, the other person may eventually ask you about your experience and then you have the freedom to talk. And doesn’t that make you feel good about the other person? He or she cared about your opinion. That is what happens when you encourage the other person to keep talking.

Use this system of communication for a day and see how it changes your relationships with others. Remember the words of Henry David Thoreau: “The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.”

Humor: Helping an Audience Adapt

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For several decades, our church sanctuary had an antique pulpit which was cumbersome to use. The surface for notes or a Bible was small and irregular, and the height was unsuitable for most speakers. So for many years there as the pulpit minister, I suggested that the leadership replace it with a Lucite pulpit. This change was finally made a few months ago.

I feared there would be resistance from a few of the senior members who treasured the sentiment of the old pulpit, and it would be a visual adjustment as well. At my son Josh’s suggestion, I decided to introduce the Lucite pulpit with humor on the first Sunday it was in use. Lucite lectern

We chose to play on the characteristics of the Lucite for the audience to get used to the concept. We also adapted an old listening joke to the topic and in the process broke down barriers to accepting the new over the old. Here are some of the lines I used to introduce the new pulpit.

“As you can tell, we’re working on building a culture of transparency here. The elders might tell you that this new pulpit is an effort to bring the speakers and the worshippers closer together, but you can probably see right through that.

“Two preachers were talking about Lucite pulpits, and one said, ‘Did you hear the story about the dirty Lucite pulpit?’

“His buddy said, ‘No.’

“The first preacher said, ‘Well, you couldn’t see through it, anyway.’

“The second preacher thought that was pretty funny, so the next Sunday he tried to share it with his own congregation. He didn’t get it quite right, though. He asked, ‘Have you heard the story about the Lucite pulpit you couldn’t see through?’ After their negative responses, he said, ‘It was too dirty to tell, anyway.’ And they fired him.

“All kidding aside, this pulpit is a clear improvement over the other one.”

The audience smiled and chuckled and I began my sermon. Humor has many uses in a presentation, and helping listeners to adapt to the new is one of them.

To see Steve in action from his Lucite pulpit, click here.

Great Quotations Can Come from Children

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“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.“ This is one of many thought-provoking statements by writer and speaker Maya Angelou.

I enjoy finding quotations from famous people. These statements make me think about ideas and actions in new ways. But great quotations are not just made by outstanding people; they are also made by children.

For example, in recent weeks I have been made to ponder ideas in new ways because of what my grandchildren have said in conversations. My six-year-old grandson, in discussing his frustrations in learning to read, said, “I just wish silent letters weren’t ever made. They make it super-duper hard for me to read.”

In talking about his size, my four-year-old grandson proclaimed, “When I’m big, I’m going to miss little.”

And then my twelve-year-old granddaughter, in discussing her cheerleading career, made this observation: “I may be a cheerleader, but guess what? You don’t have to know that much to cheer.” (Not the comment we expected from our straight-A student!)

I think a reason why children can be so perceptive about life is that often they are experiencing new things. There is no history of that experience and thus they have a fresh outlook. As adults we make choices often on what has happened to us in the past. So many of our ideas are routine.

In addition, children have different interests from adults and draw conclusions that we would never think about. We forget many of the activities of childhood that are important to them.

Keep a list of thought-provoking ideas the children in your life verbalize. Find reasons to converse with them to create an environment to explore their thoughts.

Actually, adult family members can provide the quality quotations as well. A statement from my daughter-in-law, Gina, has helped me in the presence of my grandchildren: “Never mess with a happy baby.”