Monthly Archives: April 2013

Let People Know You Want to Listen

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Someone said the only reason we listen is because we know we get to talk next. We are good at talking but many of us have trouble listening. Here are some techniques that tell the other person you really want to listen to what he or she has to say.

You can take several actions nonverbally to promote your willingness to listen to the other person. Face the person directly and make eye contact. You are now committed nonverbally to keep your attention on the person. Lean toward him or her and keep an open posture. Do not fold your arms or lean backward with a look of indifference. Seek to have a look of anticipation, not boredom. Practice facial expression on a friend to determine the look of anticipation. (If your close friend has a really good sense of humor!)

Ask open-ended questions instead of giving an opinion at the end of what a person says. Some good ones I have found include “How do you feel about that?” “What is your opinion on how we should handle this?” “What do you like best about…?” or “What is one thing you learned from that experience?” Sometimes a simple phrase of encouragement is all you need in order to listen. “Tell me more” is one of my favorites.

Tell the person up front that you are serious about listening. “I want to hear all about your trip.” Or “I’ve got as much time as you need so tell me your problem.” Or to a child, “I’ve been looking forward all day to hearing about your field trip to the zoo.” Or to your spouse, “I know today was a tough day. Tell me about it.”

Of course with any of these techniques, keep obvious distractions away from you. Turn off the television, hold your calls, don’t answer that text or phone call, and wait until later to read the newspaper. Nothing shouts “I’m not really listening” like keeping your eyes glued to the television or to your phone.

Be sure to say you are listening. Then make your actions fit your words.

Say a Positive Word Today

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We know that positive messages are easier to assimilate and understand than negative messages. You improve the effectiveness of communication when you can couch messages in positive words.

One of the ways you can use positive words regularly is to pick a superlative in response to “How are you doing today?” Words such as “tremendous,” “marvelous,” and “super” work well. I had a friend who always responded with “Fan-TAS-tic!” My favorite word to use in response to that frequent question is “great.”

For years I had an 8:00 a.m. class with freshmen in a required course that no one wanted to take. Students rarely volunteer to take a public speaking course! I’d walk into class on a February morning with the temperature in the twenties and three inches of snow on the ground.

A student would ask, “Dr. Boyd, how are you doing?” I’d still try to use “Great!” You might say I was misleading those young minds. My philosophy is that when I awake in the morning, bad breath is better than no breath at all!

I’m always looking for new positive words to use in casual conversation. This morning I ordered a cup of tea at Starbucks and said to the person who waited on me, “How are you today?”

“I’m living my dream!“ she said. What a marvelous attitude that was! To be healthy, to be able to work, and to serve people are huge blessings. In that sense many of us can often say, “I’m living my dream.”

Empathy phrases or words are usually a positive response to a troubled or frustrated person who is complaining or relating a problem he or she is having. An empathic response is simply a non-evaluative, non-judgmental response. You don’t want to give advice or evaluate the behavior that has caused their problem. Don’t say, “That was a dumb thing to do. You should have known better,” or,in a sarcastic voice, “You poor thing! You have more problems than anyone I know.” Instead, say, “I can tell that you feel strongly about that,” or “You’ve really been dealing with challenges today.” This affirms that you are listening and may even encourage the person to offer more information which might be most helpful in guiding you in giving an appropriate response. A sympathetic tone and eye contact are vital to show your empathy.

Using the word “and” instead of “but” is another simple way to keep the comment positive. When you are giving feedback to an employee, instead of saying, “You helped your customer see the value of the product, but next time…” say, “You helped your customer see the value of the product, and next time…” You are now encouraging instead of criticizing.

Take a moment before speaking to think of how you might find the best way to choose positive words in your message. As Mark Twain said, “The difference between the almost right word and the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.”

The Personal Touch in Presentation Preparation

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You can go online and find a tremendous amount of information on any organization or association you might be speaking to. This is important in showing your personal interest in your audience. But actually visiting a facility, foundry, call center, or headquarters to have a good sense of what that audience will be like is far more effective.

Recently, a gentleman from Cairo, Egypt, answered an ad for free English lessons at our church. He is a student practicing pronunciation with my son-in-law. He will be in Cincinnati for six months, visiting the United States to learn to pronounce English more clearly. He has a daily English class for three hours and spends time conversing with people he meets to become more familiar with spoken English.

We probably would not go that far as speakers in learning our audiences’ languages. But we can learn anecdotal information we would probably not find on a website or in a company newsletter. Whether we talk to customers of the company we are speaking to, drive through the neighborhood where the organization is located, or have a lunch at a restaurant where members of the audience may eat, the personal touch will prove invaluable.

An axiom I use in interpersonal seminars is “There is no such thing as small talk.” Don’t be concerned with an agenda when you make personal contact; just remember that a casual conversation can lead to great information for your speech.