A wife asked her husband, “Have you heard the story about the dirty window?”

          “No,” he answered. “What is it?”

          “Oh, well, you couldn’t see through it anyway,” she responded.

          The next day the husband thought he would repeat this to a neighbor, so he asked, “Have you heard the story about the window you couldn’t see through?”

          “No,” replied the neighbor. “How does it go?”

          “Oh, well, it’s too dirty to tell anyway,” he answered. Unfortunately, many of our communication situations follow this same model of confusion.

          What you hear is not always what the speaker intended. How can you make sure you listen and assimilate what the talker wanted you to understand?

          One way is to interrupt with a question about whatever is unclear. This is one of the few times you can interrupt without offending. You show your concern for correct interpretation of the message. Ask for clarification about a word, story, an assertion, or a conclusion the person makes. If you don’t ask right then, you risk being distracted by what was unclear and missing the rest of the message.

          When he or she finishes speaking, paraphrase what you felt the person said. Begin your paraphrase by saying, “What I hear you saying is…” Quickly you will know if you got the message the way the speaker intended. This is especially important anytime you are receiving instructions or directions.

          Perhaps give an example of the meaning you interpret when he or she finishes his or her comment. If the example does not fit, the talker can clarify and you get the real message. Giving an example will also reinforce the fact that you were really listening and seeking to understand. This is a high compliment to the talker and will increase your credibility with the person.

          Apply the mental discipline of concentrating on the content of the message you are listening to by asking yourself as you listen, “What is the point?” Or “What is the meaning thus far?” If you feel there is no point, you can interrupt by saying, “I’m not sure I understand, could you say that again?” Usually, this will encourage the talker to be more concise when he or she gives the message the second time.

          Above all, if you are giving the person your attention as he or she speaks—give ALL your attention; don’t be doing other things. If you can’t give your undivided attention at that time, say, “Can I call you back in a few minutes when I can give better attention to what you’re saying?” or “I have an appointment in a few minutes, and I am having trouble concentrating on your message. I don’t want to miss anything you are saying. Could we continue this conversation first thing tomorrow morning?”

          Certainly being able to retell a joke accurately is not a significant commentary on your listening skills. Misinterpreting the message of your manager, your spouse, or the service manager at the car dealership, however, can create daily frustrations and hardships that can be avoided if you apply these techniques.

Stephen D. Boyd, Ph.D., CSP, is Professor of Speech Communication in the College of Informatics at Northern Kentucky University. He works with organizations whose people want to speak and listen more effectively to increase professional and personal success. He can be reached at 800.727.6520, or visit www.sboyd.com for free articles and resources to improve your communication skills.     

Reputation Precedes Your Speech

        A few years ago, my wife with dismay realized her reputation for fender benders. When she walked into the Nissan body shop, immediately the manager smiled and said, “Hello, Mrs. Boyd.” 

        Your reputation often precedes your speech or your message. What do people perceive about you when they see you walk to the lectern, or enter a room, or hear your voice on the phone?  “This person does not look like he or she wants to be here.” Or “Oh, my, I’ve got to listen to this person complain again.”  Or “I’ve heard this person speak and she or he goes on forever.” 

        People will not have a positive mental set to listen to you if you have a less than stellar communication reputation. Each time you talk, do what you can to leave a positive impression so that person will be ready to listen the next time you call or speak. Here are some tips to make that happen.

• Determine to have an upbeat tone of voice when you initiate conversation. You can do this by punching out key words and raising your voice as you finish a significant sentence. If you are talking by phone or preparing for a meeting, converse with a person in your office to warm up your voice before you go to the phone or to that important conference.
• Look and sound pleasant to the person to whom you are talking. If the person you are communicating with seems a little uncomfortable, you may be making him or her feel ill at ease. Consider your tone of voice, your posture, and your facial expression. Sit up in your chair, lean forward, gesture toward the person, and smile to show that you want to hear what the other person has to contribute to the conversation.
• Take a moment to prepare mentally before you make a phone call, deliver that speech, or moderate the meeting. Close the door and make a note about your opinion or position and what you anticipate will happen.
• Keep learning new words and better ways of communicating an idea. Sometimes you create a wrong impression because you do not have good command of the language. Not finding the right word to express yourself is frustrating. Develop the habit of learning new words and using them. When you don’t know the meaning of a word, make note of it and look it up in a dictionary. Keep a grammar book nearby to check any sentence construction uncertainty. If you do this often enough, pretty soon your new skills will show up in your daily speech. Better command of the language will also eliminate unnecessary or trite words and lessen the need for the use of verbalized pauses.
• When you are in public, look and dress for the image and reputation you want to portray. You never know who you will see at the grocery store or the service station. Think of that image as well when you answer the phone. I’ve heard people answer the phone as though they are in the throes of death. Once they start talking, their voice changes and they soon get an upbeat tone to their conversation.
          Certainly what you say is most important, but creating a reputation that makes people want to listen to you is crucial as well.  

       

Stephen D. Boyd, Ph.D., CSP, is Professor of Speech Communication in the College of Informatics at Northern Kentucky University in Highland Heights, Kentucky. He works with organizations whose people want to speak and listen more effectively to increase professional and personal success. He can be reached at 800.727.6520, or visit www.sboyd.com for free articles and resources to improve your communication skills.