Category Archives: Listening

Let People Know You Want to Listen

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Someone said the only reason we listen is because we know we get to talk next. We are good at talking but many of us have trouble listening. Here are some techniques that tell the other person you really want to listen to what he or she has to say.

You can take several actions nonverbally to promote your willingness to listen to the other person. Face the person directly and make eye contact. You are now committed nonverbally to keep your attention on the person. Lean toward him or her and keep an open posture. Do not fold your arms or lean backward with a look of indifference. Seek to have a look of anticipation, not boredom. Practice facial expression on a friend to determine the look of anticipation. (If your close friend has a really good sense of humor!)

Ask open-ended questions instead of giving an opinion at the end of what a person says. Some good ones I have found include “How do you feel about that?” “What is your opinion on how we should handle this?” “What do you like best about…?” or “What is one thing you learned from that experience?” Sometimes a simple phrase of encouragement is all you need in order to listen. “Tell me more” is one of my favorites.

Tell the person up front that you are serious about listening. “I want to hear all about your trip.”  Or “I’ve got as much time as you need so tell me your problem.” Or to a child, “I’ve been looking forward all day to hearing about your field trip to the zoo.” Or to your spouse, “I know today was a tough day. Tell me about it.”

Of course with any of these techniques, keep obvious distractions away from you. Turn off the television, hold your calls, don’t answer that text or phone call, and wait until later to read the newspaper. Nothing shouts “I’m not really listening” like keeping your eyes glued to the television or to your phone.

Be sure to say you are listening. Then make your actions fit your words.

Staying Alert in Meetings

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You may spend more than 50% of your workday in meetings. You may listen to conversations to which you are expected to contribute or to assimilate information. You may be listening to 45-minute presentations from managers on a new process or product. You may be leading a question and answer session with a group of customers and be expected to summarize the discussion.

Any of these situations require that you pay careful attention. You may be tired, bored, and comtemplating a meeting with your son’s teacher at 7:00. You are wondering why she has called the meeting with you and your wife. Many personal issues can distract us.

What can you do to focus mentally and physically in these various challenging situations during a typical workday?

Skip the desserts. I’m glad when clients have fruit and nuts for snacks at breaks and go light on the brownies and donuts. I know I will have a more attentive audience.

Make a game out of listening—especially to boring or repetitive presentations. Seek to learn something new. Challenge yourself to think of a way you might make the same tedious material more interesting to the group. Determine to find an idea in the content of the discussion that you will share at the family dinner that night.

Sit toward the front and in the center if you are in a classroom-style room listening to a speech. You will feel more pressure to be alert since the speaker will have you directly in his or her sight.

Doodling may be a good activity when you are not taking notes. Although this sounds counterproductive, this action will engage your right brain and you will respond with both the left and right brain, which will increase your alertness.

Certainly taking notes will keep you on task with the speaker or discussion topic. Don’t take notes in sentences, but use a key word or phrase method. If you take too many notes, you can lose the line of thought of the speaker.

Sit by people who will encourage you to pay attention by their own behavior. Avoid sitting by the jokesters and ones who want to carry on their own conversations instead of being attentive to the direction and content of the meeting.

Falling asleep and possibly snoring is no way to impress the boss or increase your understanding of what is happening in your organization. Once, during a speech that preceded mine, a person fell asleep. As we all tend to do when we realize that we have nodded off, he jerked his head back up suddenly, pulling a muscle in his neck. His pain was so severe he had to be carried out of the room on a stretcher!

So try to see yourself in similar situations and use these techniques to stay alert and make maximum use of meeting time.

The “Cocktail-Party Effect

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‘I realize I just posted a newsletter on Monday, but the lead article in the “Personal Journal” section of the Wall Street Journal yesterday is so in tune with what I teach in my “Be Present When You Are Present” speech that I simply have to talk about it! “What Cocktail Parties Teach Us” includes data on attentiveness and the lack of it, along with the negative effects of multi-tasking. The article makes the point that only 2.5% of people can multitask efficiently, though many more think they can. The picture with the article is quite perceptive. Below it is a section from the article.

These findings, published in the journal Nature last week, underscore why people aren”t very good at multitasking—our brains are wired for “selective attention” and can focus on only one thing at a time. That innate ability has helped humans survive in a world buzzing with visual and auditory stimulation. But we keep trying to push the limits with multitasking, sometimes with tragic consequences. Drivers talking on cellphones, for example, are four times as likely to get into traffic accidents as those who aren”t.

Many of those accidents are due to “inattentional blindness,” in which people can, in effect, turn a blind eye to things they aren”t focusing on. Images land on our retinas and are either boosted or played down in the visual cortex before being passed to the brain, just as the auditory cortex filters sounds, as shown in the Nature study last week. “It”s a push-pull relationship—the more we focus on one thing, the less we can focus on others,” says Diane M. Beck, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Illinois.

So I hope you get to read that article. Perhaps “inattentional blindness” is a problem in your organization. If you get from it a sense that your employees—or yourself—need training in paying attention, give us a call (800.727.6520) to talk about how I can help your employees to be more effective by paying attention.To comment, click here.

Stephen D. Boyd, Ph.D., CSP, presents keynotes and seminars to corporations and associations whose people want to speak and listen effectively. See additional articles and resources at www.sboyd.com. To book Steve, call 800-727-6520 or email him through his website.

Conversation Time!

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Erin Moriarty of 48 Hours said, “With cell phones, iPhones, Blackberries and computers, Americans today have no trouble making connections…it’s making conversation that seems to be a problem.” Good conversation is a diminishing social skill. Because it is the holiday season when people get together at parties or family gatherings, a look at the keys to good conversation is important.

A key to good conversation is listening. People tend to talk at each other instead of taking turns talking and listening. You will make the talker like you and respect you not by what you say so much as how well they think you are listening. People love to talk and when someone has a story to tell, you can’t wait to tell your own story. Sometimes the only reason you listen is because you know you get to talk next.

Spend more time listening than you do talking. Add a competitive element to your listening. Summarize in your own mind what the other person’s point is. If it is a familiar topic, listen closely to learn something new. Think of a question you might ask even if you don’t get to ask it. These simple mental exercises will keep you listening instead of interrupting the talker or thinking of what you want to say when he or she stops talking. Voltaire said, “When you listen, you have power; when you talk you give it away.”

To improve your conversation skills, learn to ask questions. A good question will keep you engaged with the topic. As someone said, “The person who talks a lot dominates a conversation, but the person who asks questions controls the conversation.”  Don’t ask too many questions; you will seem like an interrogator. Ask more open questions than closed questions. Good open questions might start with “What do you think,…” or “How do you feel about…” or “What is your opinion…”

Finally when you do talk, keep your comments short and concise. A little boy asked his mother a question. The mother said, “Why don’t you ask your dad?”  His response was, “I don’t want to know that much about it.”  Some people can’t give a “yes” or “no” answer to a closed question. They feel like they have to elaborate or give an example.

As Moriarty concludes her discussion of conversation, she writes: “Talk may be cheap, but good conversation is priceless.”

The End of an Era

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            Not many people have a life on network television news at age 92, and yet that is what Andy Rooney has been able to do. Curmudgeon that he is, his ideas were always thought-provoking. He has a communication style that basically says, "Here is my opinion and I don't care how the chips fall."  In addition, he looked at issues in a way no one else had thought about. He was willing to poke holes in our sacred cows.

            One I remember well was shortly after the inauguration of President George W. Bush in 2000. His criticism then was why Presidents always include in their speeches, "God bless America." Not only did President Bush do it in his inaugural address, but Rooney showed  short clips from Presidents Bill Clinton, Ronald Reagan, and the Democratic  presidential nominee  that year, Al Gore,  where each had invoked God's blessings. His question was, "Does that mean that God does not bless other countries? Or does that mean He should not bless other countries?”  This was a unique way of saying maybe we use  this phrase  as a trite throw-away line instead of actually thinking of a spiritual experience  that probably does not  fit most  major speech  situations.

            An important point for communicators from Andy is not to speak unless we have a specific point to make. His listeners who heard his commentaries never thought, "I wonder what his point was."  And Andy Rooney never rehashed old stuff. His other lesson for talkers is to speak only when you can add something new or different on the topic.

Silence is Golden

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       Since I retired a few weeks ago from the university, I don’t talk as much. I don’t lecture up to twelve hours a week. I spend more time in silence; I have more time to think about my speeches and sermons. I spend a lot of time writing and preparing presentations in the quietness of the Cincinnati Mercantile Library in downtown Cincinnati or in the carrels of the Northern Kentucky University library.
         Even though my careers center on talking, there is less stress when I don’t talk as much. I don’t have to worry about saying too much or saying something I might regret because I did not think it through carefully enough. Not talking as much gives me more time to do other things. I find that I observe more closely and ponder more deeply.
         Ausonius said, “He who does not know how to be silent will not know how to speak.”  Solomon in his wisdom made the point that there is a time to be silent. I think all of us could communicate better if we spent more time in silence.
         Use silence to underscore what you do say. When I pause a moment, the person I’m talking to looks at me expectantly. (Unless it’s my wife; she’s more likely to take that opportunity to toss in her two cents worth.)
          Practice important conversations by going over mentally what you plan to say. Spend private time each day either anticipating your responsibilities for the day or pondering what you learned that day before you retire for the evening.  
          I wish our leaders would spend less time on camera talking about issues and spend more time behind closed doors thinking and studying issues. The decisions might be of higher quality.
          We pay the ultimate respect by a moment of silence. We honor a person’s life by a period of silence. We can be surprised to the point of silence.
           When I am silent, I learn more; I find out more about others and myself. I observe more, and I am less stressed. I have taught that in my listening seminars for years, but now I am even more aware of the truth of the importance of listening.
            The title of this piece is just part of the idiom. The entire quotation is “Speech is silver; silence is golden.” Maybe we should all seek a little more gold and a little less silver.   

Get Information Before You Give Information

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A way to improve immediately the quality of your communication is to get information before you give information. Here is the way this technique works.

When you are asked a question, before giving an answer, follow instead with a question seeking more information. For example, I was visiting a colleague in his office when a student came in asking if he could make up a test he had missed.

Instead of directly answering the question, my friend said, "Did you miss any other classes on the day you missed mine?" The question startled the student because this response was not what he expected. I could tell he wasn't ready to answer the question. Haltingly he admitted that he had missed my friend's class to study for another test. This added information affected how my friend counseled the student about making up the test. As I recall, he allowed him to do so but with a grade penalty.

Someone asks for directions to a popular shopping mall. Before answering, I may ask, “What time of day do you plan to go?” Since the time of day determines traffic patterns, I might recommend a different way if the trip is during rush hour traffic versus a one o'clock destination time.

A friend asks for a restaurant recommendation for dinner. Before answering, ask if there is a ceiling on how much he is willing to pay. That answer will help determine what restaurants you recommend.

Thus the quality of communication improves when you seek more information in order to give a more specific or accurate answer.

What are good follow-up questions you use to get more information before answering the original question? 

“I Prefer Listening”

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Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has been criticized for not asking questions during oral arguments.  His response is "…in law school, I could learn better just listening," as quoted in USA Today.  He further stated in the interview, "I think there are far too many questions (in oral arguments). I prefer to listen and think it through more quietly." 

This is good advice for all of us. I find that people have better human relations when they spend more time listening than talking. That begins with just being silent. In fact, the letters that spell silent are the same letters that spell listen; they are just arranged in a different order. People are sometimes startled by this idea when I point it out in my Power Listening seminar. An effective way of listening is silence, but you must arrange your thoughts differently to concentrate on the message instead of retreating into your own little thought world. 

Keep track of your talk time versus your listening time in the course of a day. You might be surprised that you learn more by "…thinking it through quietly." 

Valentine’s Day 2011

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Saturday night was lots of fun for Lanita and me! We attended the St. Aloysius Gonzaga Catholic Church Valentine Banquet where I was privileged to speak. Wonderful food and conversation abounded, and my speech, “Coming Home to Love and Laughter,” was well-received. 

For the benefit of those from St. Al’s who have actually found my blog, here is one husband-wife story I didn’t tell.                                              

A friend asked a man: “Did you hear the joke about the dirty window?”

“No,” he answered.

“Well, you couldn’t see through it anyway,” his friend answered. The husband thought that was pretty good, so he wanted to tell his wife.

He said, “Did you hear the joke about the window you couldn’t see through?”

“No,” she answered.

“Well,” he replied, “it’s too dirty to tell, anyway.”

Hope your Valentine Day was as much fun as ours!

Listen, Ask, Listen Again

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The words in the title of this piece are part of key training skills Delta Airlines is using to send 11,000 agents back to school, according to a recent article in the Wall Street Journal.  Another  training skill  stressed is "be there."  This is another way of saying, pay attention to your customer!  Why are these skills being taught?  Because among major airlines this past year, Delta had the highest rate of customer complaints. 

            One of the points I stress in each listening seminar and in my keynote, “Be Present When You Are Present,” is the importance of listening and paying attention to the bottom line in any situation.  Many companies have similar products and cost.  The competitive edge, as Delta knows, is that customer service is based on these people skills of listening and attention.  On my website, I even offer wallet cards with reminders of “How to Keep Listening Instead of Talking.”

            If these skills are at the crux of profit and loss in a company, think how important listening and attention are in day-to-day living!  As Henry David Thoreau said, "The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought and attended to my answer."